Defensive

“You’re being defensive.” “Don’t be defensive.” “I don’t mean for you to be defensive.”

I heard this a lot early in my career.

But: no one ever told me what they really meant by “defensive.”

And: no one ever coached me about how to not be “defensive.”

In the professional context, being defensive means protecting yourself or justifying your work (or position).

For law clerks and litigation associates, this often bubbles up when our writing is critiqued.

Writing is inherently personal.

It is normal to want to (and to actually) defend your work.

This also can bubble up when you work with a bad manager.

Maybe they don’t explain things clearly.

Maybe they don’t have clear expectations.

Maybe they micromanage.

So, you feel the need to defend your efforts and choices.

It is normal to want to (and to actually) defend yourself when facing a difficult work environment.

This also bubbles up—a lot—for high and over achievers, for perfectionists. Why? Because we often take our work personally, which pushes us to regularly defend our work and our efforts.

Now, I believe: being defensive is not inherently bad.

You’re not doing anything wrong when you are defensive.

And you absolutely cannot control another person’s reaction to you or their belief (founded or unfounded) about your alleged defensiveness.

But, it can become a self-feeding monster: you can start to feel defensive about being defensive.

So, when you feel defensiveness bubble up (and I do very often), recognize it. Maybe even tell the other person the truth:

“I’m feeling defensive.”

And ask yourself, “Why am I feeling defensive?”

Most often, it happens because you care, because you want to do a good job.

That’s a good thing.

Recognizing it, naming it, and calling it out will help you (if appropriate) stop defensiveness in its tracks and turn it into something productive.

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