Separate
I tend to keep work and life separate.
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In high school, my closest friends were (for the most part) not in my classes.
My IB (international baccalaureate) friends, were not who I hung out with on the weekends.
Tennis was an outlet from both of those things.
School (work) and life were separate, rarely-overlapping things.
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In college, I struggled, because I didn't know how to live, work, and play in an academic environment.
I tried to keep things separate, but I ended up being fairly unhappy because of it.
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During Teach for America, that couldn't really change, because I lived 40-miles away from where I worked.
So, my downtown-Phoenix life and my rural-teaching (Buckeye) life remained separate.
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And then, I entered law school.
For the first time in my life, balancing work and social life became a bit easier for me.
I embraced socializing and, as a result, I made some of the best friends I'll ever have--and got some of the best grades I ever made.
I made time, each day, for school, for friends, and for rest (or eventually, exercising).
I loved almost every second of those three years and felt happier than I had in a long, long time.
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I took that into my clerkship, making friends with other clerks and court staff.
Even though the job was (obviously) very separate from my personal life, I made friends outside of work and had a thriving social life.
But, when out, I attempted to avoid telling new people what I did for work. (In certain situations, I still avoid leading with, "I'm an attorney.")
My first three years in Milwaukee were, I think, the best three years of my entire life.
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And then, in 2016, I joined an #AmLaw200 firm; I entered Midwest #BigLaw.
After I accepted that job, but before starting it, I met who would become my now husband.
That first year, I tried to maintain my social life and my active schedule (playing tennis upwards of three times a week, traveling to Ole Miss for football games, seeing friends on weekdays and weekends).
To do this, and to make room for what would become a marriage, I kept my head down at work.
As a first-year associate, I did what was asked of me.
I joined two big matters.
When those settled, during the same week, I joined a substantive pro bono team to fill my time.
I met my hours.
I listened. I observed. I kept to myself.
I made one friend, another first year.
We bonded over thousands of pages of paper document review and the 2016 election.
Otherwise, I worried:
Should I make friends at work?
Aren’t these people my competitors?
Can I be myself in #BigLaw?
Am I serious enough for #BigLaw?
In fact, I did the exact opposite of what I had done in law school--and which I knew had propelled me to success in law school: I took it all way too seriously.
I kept work and my personal life separate, scared that to integrate them I would not succeed on any front.
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And then, I entered my second year.
In 2017, I started to connect with my co-associates.
They became my rocks--riding the highs and lows together, learning from those senior to me, helping guide the ones coming up behind me.
Building those friendships helped me find joy in #BigLaw.
I became a happy associate.
I loved the work. I loved the job. I loved the people.
Not every day, of course, and a tough period eventually came my way.
But, it is those friendships that helped me maintain perspective.
It is those friendships that helped me maintain confidence--and find it again when it faltered.
It is those friendships that gave me hope for the future of #BigLaw and what our generation might do to change the profession for the better.
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Integrating my work and personal life remains tough for me.
My nutrition and physical health are the first to go to the back burner when work and social life become too hectic.
My personal relationships take a hit when work becomes stressful.
I know this about myself. I don't love it about myself, but I accept it.
I also know, now, where to go to find my joy again: exercise, meaningful connection with others, and boundaries.
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In the legal profession, putting your head down and doing the work will help you rise through the ranks, but it is not enough to survive and it certainly isn't enough to thrive.
Thriving is possible in #BigLaw, but to get there, you have to give yourself a break.
To get there, you must extend grace to yourself and to those around you.
That grace will lead to lasting relationships.
Relationships that extend beyond your firm, your profession, and your title.
That grace will create space for physical and mental health.
Space for activities that help you reconnect with yourself and with others.
Space that will help you be a better human--and, in turn, a better lawyer, family member, and friend.
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The lesson: My work and my personal life are decidedly not separate.
Simultaneously, I am:
An attorney.
A wife.
A daughter.
A sister.
An aunt.
A dog-mom.
A friend.
A lawyer well-being advocate.
An associate.
A mentor.
A mentee.
A tennis player (even if on a prolonged break at the moment).
All of those things make me who I am.
Balancing them is impossible.
Remembering the many facets of who I am, is the key.
I can bring each of them to the table in every endeavor, personal and professional.
You can too.