Letting Go of Guilt
guilt noun
2 b : feelings of deserving blame especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : self-reproach
Who knew a Merriam-Webster definition could hit so hard? A gut punch indeed.
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How often do you feel guilty?
How often do you place blame on yourself?
How often does your brain imagine offenses?
How often do you build up a sense of inadequacy?
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I'm deeply familiar with guilt.
Last Monday, I tried to take it easy.
I wanted to ease into the week by making sure I got in my morning routine (and workout).
I got some of that done and was set to take an 800 AM self-care class.
But then: guilt set in.
Could I arrive at work later than my usual?
So, you guessed it: I skipped the class.
NOTE: I have no evidence to support this feeling. I have no evidence to support the idea that anyone cares when I begin my work day. And yet, the mental games arrive quite often.
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With a #BigLaw job comes competing feelings.
On the one hand, there’s lots of freedom.
You’ve worked hard to get here.
You’re finally treated like an adult.
You can, in a new way, work in accordance with your own schedule and manage your personal interests accordingly.
But, on the other hand, there are the expectations.
Internal.
External
Real.
Fake.
The job is important.
I care about it.
I want to do a good job.
I crave the external validation that comes with working hard and doing what is expected of me.
But that animal feeds itself.
Good work begets more work.
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Once you’re on that wheel, it’s hard to get off.
The wheel spurs guilt when you want (or need) to take it easy.
The wheel spurs blame when you make a mistake (big or small).
The wheel spurs feelings of inadequacy as you tell yourself others are doing it better (and easier) than you are.
It is a full-time job managing the expectations--whether they're real, fake, internal, or external, they can takeover and dominate your thoughts.
It can be a full-time job managing the guilt I often feel when trying to take advantage of down time, of slower times, while I also strive to meet all those expectations.
The only way I know how to combat that is to step into the guilt, step into the discomfort, and take action.
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So, this morning, I took it easy.
I slept in.
I did some chores.
I took that self-care class.
And then I turned to work.
When I do this, I feel more refreshed and restored.
When I do this, I feel more energized about the work ahead.
When I do this, I am more productive during the work day.
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Today, I release that guilt.
I accept it and I let it go.
I step into this moment, welcoming it with joy, calm, and ease.
Today will be a great day.
I claim it.
I receive it.